You’re Not Doing It Right. You’re Busy-Buddying, Not Body Doubling
Let’s fix that.
“I just need you to sit here… I don’t know why. Just… be nearby, okay?”
Most of us didn’t have the language for it back then.
Some of us still don’t.
Welcome to the unspoken world of body doubling.
First, what even is body doubling?
Let’s break it down:
Body doubling is when one person works or exists alongside another—not to supervise or judge, but to co-regulate and co-exist.
It’s not babysitting.
It’s not accountability coaching.
It’s not “hustle harder but with company.”
It’s:
“I need you here near me so I feel safe.”
A lot of kids naturally do this. You’ll see it in toddlers quietly playing next to their caregiver, or siblings doing homework at the same table, not saying a word.
It’s not about interacting. It’s about presence.
That’s the magic.
But here’s the tricky part:
Some adults have no idea they’re doing this—and when they do, they sometimes do it wrong.
Like... toxic wrong.
The Unspoken Side of Body Doubling
Here’s the hard truth I’ve observed (and lived through):
We bring unspoken expectations into body doubling.
We bring old scripts.
We bring noise—internal, external, verbalized.
We start “body doubling” and end up body buddy-ing.
We crowd.
We overtalk.
We micromanage someone else’s vibe.
And worse, we do it thinking we’re helping.
That’s when body doubling becomes harmful.
It stops being co-regulation and starts feeling like emotional overreach.
Let me put on my Early Childhood Provider Hat
From a developmental lens, this need for presence shows up early—sometimes before kids have the words to explain it. In Montessori and play-based settings, we call this parallel play or co-regulated focus.
You’ll see a toddler stacking blocks quietly beside another child doing their own thing. They’re not playing together per se, but they’re drawing a kind of emotional safety from each other’s presence.
In learning environments that honor this (like Montessori or Reggio Emilia), children are allowed to exist beside each other without forced interaction.
That shared-but-separate experience? That’s body doubling in action.
It teaches kids:
That they’re not alone.
That someone safe is nearby.
That they can try hard things without direct help.
But here’s the kicker: this isn’t always explicitly taught—it’s modeled, absorbed, and internalized.
So when we become adults, especially ND adults with interrupted regulation patterns, we seek that co-presence again.
Not always consciously.
Sometimes it looks like:
Not wanting to be alone while doing boring or scary tasks.
Needing someone around just to start a project.
Not feeling “safe” to stim, focus, or even breathe deeply unless we know someone has our back—even quietly.
But if we never learned how to communicate this need clearly—or if we were shamed for it growing up—then we might recreate it in ways that are unbalanced.
And worse, we might unconsciously demand presence from others without giving it respectfully in return.
What Healthy Body Doubling Can Look Like
Healthy body doubling can often feel like:
Safe presence, not performance.
There’s no scoreboard. There’s no “you better finish this” energy.Consent-based co-existing.
“Hey, do you wanna sit near me while I do X? No pressure to talk.”Respecting silence.
Silence is sacred in neurodivergent spaces. Let it be a feature, not a flaw.Room for ebb and flow.
Your buddy might need to leave, go stim, or zone out. That’s not a betrayal—it’s biology.Awareness of self-talk.
The way we speak out loud (to ourselves or others) influences the room.
Your inner critic doesn’t need a megaphone in shared space.
The Don’ts That Turn It Toxic
Let’s call out the red flags:
Don’t assume proximity = permission.
Just because someone sits near you doesn’t mean they’re open to feedback, questions, or commentary.Don’t “coach” your buddy unless asked.
You’re not their supervisor. Stop giving pep talks no one requested.Don’t turn their quiet into your stage.
Monologuing or venting while someone’s in focus mode is a vibe killer.Don’t guilt or shame someone for logging off, zoning out, or not being productive.
Body doubling is about presence, not pressure.
Neural Programming: The Way We Talk Out Loud Matters
Many neurodivergent folks think out loud. That’s okay.
But here’s the catch: if your self-talk is harsh, anxious, or negative, and you’re doing it within earshot of someone trying to focus, it can derail their whole nervous system.
This doesn’t mean you have to fake positivity.
It just means: be aware of your impact.
Think of it as programming the vibe.
The environment you co-create in body doubling becomes a shared neural space.
Practical Grounding Rules (That Don’t Feel Like Rules)
If you want to body double without turning into someone’s anxiety monster, here’s a starter pack:
Ask before assuming.
“Wanna body double while I do X? Totally fine if not.”Name your needs.
“I might talk to myself a little—do you want headphones?”Set timing expectations.
“I’ll be here for 45 mins, then I’m bouncing.”Build in breaks.
Stretch, stim, snack. No apology needed.Talk about your talk.
“If I start spiraling out loud, feel free to gently pause me.”
Closing Thought
Body doubling is a gift.
But like all tools, it’s only useful when we wield it with awareness.
It’s okay to crave presence.
Let’s keep our body double spaces safe, silent(ish), and sacred.
Because when done right, it’s not just a productivity hack.
It’s healing.
You’re not doing it right. Let’s fix that.
Have you been busy-buddying instead of body doubling? Take a step back and reframe your approach—this time, with intention and respect for both your space and your buddy’s. Let’s get it right together.
Want to try body doubling the right way?
Book a free 20-minute coffee chat to explore how to create safe spaces for your focus and connection:
cal.com/coffee-with-rhalyn